A member in one of my online classes asked: “Is there any approach to determine struggle on the off chance that you have two “heightening” identities attempting to tackle an issue? At the end of the day, how would you resolve struggle between two exceptionally solid willed, constantly right identities, who have a tendency to raise with each endeavor at solving conflict?”
There is a hard and fast rule about resolving conflict that most people find hard to remember: You cannot resolve conflict unless both people are open to learning.
As long as each person is trying to be right, win, or at least not lose, no new learning can take place. Conflict resolves when new learning occurs due to both people being open to learning about themselves and each other.
What to do When the Conflict is Escalating
It is actually not hard to stop conflicts from escalating; the challenge is remembering to do it. This is hard to remember because, in conflict, often the fight or flight mechanism is activated. If both people involved tend to fight rather than flee, they will generally go on automatic pilot to win.
When the stress response – the fight or flight mechanism – is activated, blood leaves the brain and goes into the arms and legs to enhance the ability to fight or flee You stop thinking well when your focus is on winning the fight. You are likely to say and do things that you would not ordinarily say or do – which, of course, escalates the fight.
What to do?
What you need to remember to do is to disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate. If you wait too long, you will be in the throes of the stress response. Once your amygdala – the survival part of the brain that activates fight or flight – takes over, it is VERY hard to stop. You both are like runaway trains, trying everything you can to win or not lose. That’s when things can get very ugly.
If you disengage the moment the fight starts to escalate, then you can cool off, get your brain back online, and do an Inner Bonding process to see what has gotten triggered in you. You can move into compassion for yourself, make sure you are not taking the other person’s words and behavior personally, allow your sadness, loneliness, heartache and helplessness over the other person’s behavior to move through you, and then address what is really going on with you. Why do you need to win? What are you trying to control? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to avoid? These are some of the questions you can ask yourself during your Inner Bonding process.
When to Resolve the Conflict
Once you understand your part of the conflict and you feel open hearted and open to learning, you can approach the other person to see if he or she is also ready to learn. If not, then wait. If he or she is open, then the two of you can each share what you’ve learned in your Inner Bonding process and explore what needs to happen for each of you to feel resolved. This is a wonderful, intimate process that can happen only when both people are open to learning.
If the other person does not open to learning, then you need to let go of trying to resolve the issue between you. You can then do an Inner Bonding process to understand what is in your highest good, given that the other person is not available to resolve the issue. In order to do this, you need to completely accept that you are helpless over getting the other person to open, which is a big challenge for many people.
Even though resolving the issue for yourself is not always ideal, it is far better than the ugliness that often occurs when two people escalate a conflict.